Library
Letters to Edith
Toadblower Saga
Cockup.com
Crossword
Qinuseless Update
Your comments
Edith's secret
Home
 

From Hugo F Spider,Esq, MA(Oxon)

Dear Miss Tintwhistle

I have been very touched and distressed by your moving account of the census problems encountered by Great Cockup. I happened upon your website as there have been several cocks up (or should that be cockups) in my family over the years and, I am equally sure, there are probably some Spiders in Great Cockup (although whether I will ever be able to search the website to find out is presumably in the lap of the gods or Qinuseless).

I am now fully reassured that the future of our national records are in such safe hands and I am glad that the present administration has realised the folly of trusting public sector systems for such important documents. I am sure that the Enron 1911 census project will be a huge success and I am delighted that they are planning so far ahead.

Felicity replied on Edith's behalf: -
 

  I was approached by Edith because of my connections with the Spyder family of Great Cockup on my mothers side and she felt I may be more able to help you. I was interested in the more modern spelling of Spider which your branch of the family has adopted. You do not say where  you are writing from, though I am aware that Spiders are prolific and widespread.
Spyders are indeed very numerous in Great Cockup.  If you could give me a name and date or two I would be happy to spend some time in the fiche department attempting to link you with our local Spyders.

Dear Edith
 
 

I think  must ask you to inform Mr Scurvy of the dangers of using paper clips instead of fuses. This is a most dangerous act as the resistance across a paper clip is indeterminable owing to the molecular structure of the said metal.If for example the paper clip was obtained from W.H. Smith it would be inferior to one purchased from Ponsonby Smyth at the corner shop.

On the other hand if it were taken from His Lordship's writing desk it would probably glow in the dark .As an expert in the field of all things mechanical and electrical I would feel much better if he used a six inch nail. Better safe than sorry.
 
 

Your sincerely
Amos

AMOS THE UNDERTAKER
 

Felicity replies:
 

Dear Mr Amos

Gosh, I'm so glad you told us this. I will show it to Mr Scurvy immediately. He is rather inclined to go his own way and,
as you know, he can be very nasty when crossed. Is that why you didn't pop down to the library to tell him yourself?
How are you? I hope your old trouble is not giving you too much bother. My late husband used to swear by  Gee's
linctus liberally applied to the affected area.
It seems in rather bad taste to ask if business is good. Rather a dead end job I always think!  They say its a dying trade....

I did not know you were an expert in all things mechanical and electrical. Do you know anything about computers? I'm
sure these nice people from Quinuseless would welcome any suggestions. I heard Craig say only this morning - "Why
don't we just put up a poster inviting the whole village to come in and give us the benefit of their expert advice?" I've left
out the swear words...

Best wishes
Felicity

Dear Felicity
                 I cant understand what the fuss is all about this 1901 census thing .Most of the people listed on it are dead anyway .They wont give a jot about it not being published. In fact the only person left alive in the village who is on the census is old Mrs Trumpbucket and she's barking mad or whatever is left of her is .She's had that many things added or taken away, her inside looks like the battle of the Somme .
 I went at the request of the district nurse who was convinced she had finally passed on. As I approached the death bed to lay her out , pound note signs gleaming in my eyes, the old biddy woke from her deep trance and asked for some more of that mariojoana stuff which young Rufus had been putting in her roll ups Why do you keep selling that rubbish ,you a respected member of the  community at that.
  Living as I do at the dead centre of the village, so to speak, I can see a good deal of whats going on in the village.  And I am very surprised and shocked at what's going on in the library (I can just see the library through the fold in the blue satin curtains when the relatives of the recently departed come to pay their respects to their loved ones).  I must admit, it is a bit inconvenient when people die without warning as I have to go and retrieve my tressells from the youth club which, in turn, means the Scouts can't play table tennis without them.  However, I digress.  I was only saying to Cornelius from the Pig and Picollo the other day, what,  I ask, is the electric cable going from the street light to the upstairs window of the library?   I hope you can enlighten me because, as you know,  I am a nosey old beggar and would very much like to know.  Also, on the subject of that particular street light, why do dogs avoid urinating up this standard, prefering to go further up the street to relieve themselves?  Why were there flashing lights and loud music coming from the library at 2.45 last morning?  There was that much noise, the Police Sargeant had to leave his pint half finished and go and see what the noise was.  He didn't come back so we drank his beer and all went home about 3.00am.  He looked rather ill on Tuesday lunchtime.  On the subject of last Tuesday, I just happened to be driving past the big house along the little windy road through the woods - you know the one that goes past the kitchen window.  Well, I see they have got a new nanny.  She must be all of 20 years old, very pretty little thing.  Tell me, however, why does Mr Charles need a nanny, him being 35 next birthday?  Have you heard anything?
Mrs Entwhistle was saying only the other day that you were seen peering through his lordship's bedroom window with those powerful new binoculars of yours.  Have you any idea what's happening up there?  Must go now, the school teacher has just come into the shop to try out her funeral shroud, although if she lives to be 70 I doubt that it will fit her 40 years from now. She is a bit of a nuisance really as she always needs a hand to disrobe.  It's no use you looking this way, I saw the blinds move in the library but, as you well know, the dressing room is at the back and curtains are drawn.  So put your binoculars away and get on with filing your books away.

Yours,

Amos the Undertaker
 
 

Felicity replies on Edith's behalf

Dear  Amos Pole

I have to say that Edith has NOT seen your letter. I felt it my duty to keep it from her. It seems to me to be the ramblings of a rather naughty sort of cad. Have you no respect at all? What would your dear mother Dee, have to say?

Yours

Felicity
 
 
 

Dear, Dear Edith,
 

Thank you for your most enlightening account and explanation of the problems
with the 1901 census. It is indeed gratifying to know that someone somewhere
has made serious efforts to get the census to the public at large.

In an attempt to offer my thanks in a more positive manner I would willingly
come down to Great Cockup and take you to the Pig and Piccolo for a much
earned pint of their best bitter. However, I think it would be appropriate
to the occasion for you to change from that awful loose fitting blouse in
the photo to a more figure hugging top to show off your very ample bosum and
also let your hair down. I am sure such action would be appreciated by the
customers.

Kindest regards, Bert Arter, Stibbard, Norfolk, England.
 

Felicity replies

Dear Mr Arter

Edith has had too many of these rather personal e-mails of late. Its a jolly good job I'm here to protect her. I have never seen Edith with a pint in her hand in all my life. A sherry at Christmas is her limit.

Yours

Felicity

Dear Felicity,

May I say how refreshing it has been to read your account of the
incursion into your village life, of what I believe is referred to as
'techno gen.'

May I suggest that your experiences should be shared, in the public
interest of course, with a wider audience. Dispersion through the
public domain, as perhaps www. greatcockup.org, could only benefit
others similarly  affected by this latest disturbance, of what is an
essentially private pastime.

As to the vicar's predilection, I would suggest that if he is
intending to 'surf' he should consider the use of a nom-de-plume.

Yours faithfully
Patrisia Carrington
Penmaenmawr, North Wales

Dear Patrisia

Many thanks for your kind words. All this is taking its toll on Edith who is used to a quiet life. I find it all rather fun, myself, though it is all taking up rather a lot of my time.
Our dear vicar comes from a long line of local clergy who engage in private pastimes of one sort or another. His father, Edward Leartittle, used to write poetry, as I remember.

Yours

Felicity
 
 

Dear Felicity,

I think I may be able to help you out but I am afraid Qinuseless have left
you well and truly in Mr Scurvy's clarty.  However, I can guarantee to get
your problems resolved within a year or two by the people I have under my
eye 24 hours a day in the Fleet Street lock-up.  I have a noble Lord on
Board who can spell proper; he will not be deflected from his new novel to
give all his attention to it but has agreed to supervise an excellent
selection of individuals with experience on refresher courses, some are here
for the third time.  They know which buttons to press to get results; not
necessarily in the right order but I got no complaints when they transcribed
the censi for a much larger town than yours.  Well to be absolutely up front
with you there were a few but to be honest they came from Australians and as
you know they read upside down.  The transcribers work will rapidly be
converted to the computer system available in Little Cockup by others known
for their ability to transfer funds across all borders in an electronic
blink of an eye.  So give Qinuseless the boot - start again and while we are
at it we can do the the one for 1086 for half price, complete with leather
look borders, guaranteed to put Great Cookdown on the map.

Your very truly,

Joshua Toadblower
[ask Jamie if he remembers me - he is the third twig on the white sheep
branch of my tree; his mother was a right swot too]
 

Dear Joshua

I am intrigued by your offer. We had a similar offer from a Mr Maxdock last week. We have some sort of contract with Quinuseless I believe and so are rather stuck with them. They are working very hard, though - they seem to be here all night sometimes.
Jamie certainly remembered you. He looked quite excited when I mentioned your name and asked if you were likely to be coming to Great Cockup. I thought he said something about warning his siter but I must have misheard.
Anyway, thanks for your offer.

Yours

Felicity

February 2nd. 2002

Dear Miss Tintwhistle,

Can I call you Edith?

As I was surfing the thingy I happened on your sensuous 1901 announcement and apart from falling deeply in love with you after seeing your photo I think I recognised the name of Victoria Erotica that you mentioned who I think is my great grandmothers youngest sisters illegitimate daughter twice removed. They had to because she was one helluva girl and her and Jeannie Allergy used to hang around outside the library after closing time and press Mr. Davis`s buttons when he had his back turned refreshing himself. I would hate to upset you considering we have only just met, but, you be very careful talking about those Quinuseless people like that. They are Pro`s do you know and I heard they have another place in London where they sell fishes to the public instead of trying to do difficult sensuous websites. I also heard that they also had a Great Cockup visit to try to headhunt your Mr. J.R. Hartley as you know how good he is at writing about fishes.
On a personal note; Please don`t wear such figure hugging blouses as it might just attract nasty types like those London people who will make false promises to get their evil way with you.

Your admirer,
Minas A. Serch

Felicity replies -

Dear Mr Serch

Goodness - another personal e-mail that I had to keep from Edith. Why do people have such a thing about her blouse?
I remember young Jeannie - poor Mr Davis was in a right state about her. It was a relief to us all when she left the village.
I don't know much about fishing, I have to say.

Your

Felicity
 

Absolutely brilliant - but Edith still hasn't said when it will be on line !

Thanks for a good a good laugh

Regards
Suw Gascoyne in windy, wet, cold Brighton (ex Wetwang)
 

Felicity replies

Dear Suw

Wetwang is not far from here as I'm sure you know and now has a rather well known Mayor.
Of course, we don't know when the census will be on line. We are quite dependent on those jolly young things from Quinuseless. They seem to work very hard, bless them, though Zak's cat does rather get under my feet. I nearly squased it with my Norton yesterday.

Yours

Felicity

Dear Edith,
My heart goes out to you in your onerous position of librarian at Great
Cockup. I do think you were wise not to take up the invitation of beer
at the Pig and Whistle - it is not the sort of thing that a lady of your
class and gentility should do. I think while you are under such stress
that you will have to advise the vicar to travel to the next village
library for his inter library loan of erotica. It is also a sad day when
you must rely for technical assistance from a firm that would have been
well advised to outsource the market research they did to estimate the
number of hits the census would receive daily. We in the colonies
eagerly await the time when we may access this service and link
ourselves with the mother country. I congratulate you on your very
informative web page and look  forward to reading the regular updates.

Trish Poock, Victoria, Australia.
 

My Dear Felicity

I understand that the PRO are now resorting to letting us historians buy our
own fiche copies of the census. Had you considered a similar measure.

Yours ever

Janet Holdsworth

We had thought of reducing the originals withour photocopier and printing onto acetate overhead projector sheets but the acetate melted in the machine

Edith
 
 

Dear Edith

Lovely to read about your fairfacks and other illustrious connections.  I can tell you it's a blessed relief to know FOR A FACT, that my Pommy ....sorry....English forebears had the grace to arrive in SOUTH AUSTRALIA free of the convict taint which is so popular here in Orstralia.  Actually, I don't have a lot of faith in the records accessed to date, particularly the birth and marriage records.  I mean to say....all those birth records that are clearly quite wrong!  I simply will never believe that three generations of grand mothers were up the duff when they took the sacred vows of marriage.  You can't believe anything you read. Like when my gran said her grandfather "died young" leaving a large family and lots of loot
and land etc.  She failed to point out that he blew his brains right out there in the withdrawing room  (HA!  Bet you didn't think we uncultured ex-colonials knew anything about withdrawing rooms!!!).

Well Edith dear, I love your little story about your village, and actually I DO know a serious computer nerd right here in Oz who is named Zikzak....I wonder if they are related???

Signing off now from my PowerMac G4 744 with the modern flat screen and latest operating system
 

Maxine Cadzow
Melbourne, Australia

Dear Maxine

How I envy you  dear - we are working on a very elderley Power Mac on OS 8.3 though we also have the use of a very new PC as well. However one does get set in one's ways and the Mac is still my favourite.

Edith