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Great Cockup County Library
Church Street
Great Cockup


Not The 1901 Census Online:
Statement from Miss Edith Tintwhistle, Head Librarian, now including a message from the Public Records Office

It has reached my ears that some very unkind things have been said in the bar of the Pig and Piccolo about our unsuccessful attempts to get the village 1901 census returns on the internet by January 2 2002 as promised. Some very keen young people from Qinuseless, a firm in London, came down here with their laptops and spent all weekend guessing how many people would use our service once it is online. Our population is 3,472 and based on some very sophisticated calculations which took up the back of three large envelops and a cigarette packet, Qinuseless came up with the figure of four: the retired couple in the old station house whose name I can never remember, Mrs. Fairfax Widdowson from the Manse and young Jamie Toadblower who said he might use it if he has a school history project during the holidays.

In fact the calculations were way out, since we forgot about all the other villages which surround us, plus all the descendants of our village folk in the rest of the county, the nation and the world. On the first day of the service we had 600,000 'hits', as I believe they are called and everything here stopped working, including Mr. Scurvy the caretaker who got fed up of answering the telephone.

Qinuseless have estimated how long it will take to get the service up and running again and have said that it will be a week, although they are not clear which week. My colleague Mr. Davis who looks after the large print books on a Friday did an evening class on web page design last term and has kindly agreed to see what he can do so long as I let him bring his bicycle into the library after dark - his pump was stolen last year. We really are doing our best, and the cheap jokes which I heard after church, such as "I wonder if the librarian can get a job with Railtrack?" and, "Did Qinuseless act as consultants for the Millennium Bridge" are not becoming to a senior member of the community. I overheard you vicar and if your books on Victorian Erotica are not back by Thursday next week I shall not waive your fine.

In the meantime genealogists from around the country and the world can still access the records by coming to Great Cockup Library in person and borrowing the personal computer on my desk. Booking is advisable and sessions are limited to 15 minutes per person. Please note that the library is closed Monday to Thursday and opens Fridays from 10.00 am to 12.30. pm. Closed weekends.


Update

What a nightmare all this is proving to be! For the past two Fridays we have had queues from the library door as far as the grocery shop; the full length of Church Street - mostly middle aged couples with great thick files under their arms. The square is blocked with cars and many of them carry in their rear window the message that the owners are retired and spending the inheritance intended for their children. The first time I saw this I was mildly amused.

Mr Hartley in the Post Office has complained that people are leaning against his window. I apologise for the queue being so slow moving but must ask that people bring their own fold-up stools rather than upset Mr Hartley. He tells me that his irritable bowel has been aggravated by the insistence of his Head Office that he installs a computer for his Giro customers, and that he is not helped by queuing people sticking their heads into the Post Office door and asking cheekily if he can get the Public Records Office.

It has been suggested that in the current census fever we should open for longer hours. Mr Scurvy the caretaker says that it is lambing season and he is jiggered (actually he said another far ruder word ) if he is going to open up any more frequently.

On Wednesday morning I was disturbed in my Badedas bath by an urgent knock at the door. It was embarrassing to open the door in my candlewick dressing gown but the knock sounded urgent. Qinuseless had sent some of their top guns and they had called for the library key.

These young people and I spent all day in the library whilst curious members of the family history fraternity pressed their noses against the window and Mr Scurvy made reference to muddy footprints and bloody doors left open - it is curious how he cannot open the library more frequently yet has time to hang around when his presence is not appreciated.

The three young people from Qinuseless are very pleasant but rather unconventional by Great Cockup standards. Yasmin. a pretty young lady with a stud in her nose is responsible for Quality Assurance, which appears to consist of looking at me with an unnerving intensity all day and asking me how I feel about how things are going. Craig wears shirt, tie and enough body fragrance for the three of them, which is just as well since Zak appears to have personal hygiene difficulties. Either that or a farm tom cat has been spraying the bookshelves again. For a time I thought Zak was hearing impaired, since a wire from a box on his belt leads to an earpiece which emits a dull low frequency rhythmic thud. Zak wears tight greasy jeans, a black T shirt with a blasphemous reference to Jesus and a type of waistcoat made from tiger patterned fur fabric. I am told he is a Programmer. All day he sits motionless, speaking to nobody, scrolling through computer screens full of hieroglyphics. Craig is called a Systems Interrogationist, Brackets Forward Planning and Evaluation. He spends a lot of time sorting out his underpants through his trousers, presumably when he thinks nobody is looking. His job appears to be to translate Zaks enigmatic grunts, sighs and glances into words.

Mr Davis has popped in a couple of times and clearly feels that his computing abilities are not being appreciated by our young friends. Yesterday he left muttering something about it not working because in his words, dumbos out there keeping pressing their refresher buttons. Whenever I ask Craig about how long all this is going to take he grins rather patronisingly and replies that I must be patient

So ladies and gentlemen, all I can say with certainty is that the system still is not working, that it will take a week or two and Mr Davis asks if you will please stop pressing your refresher buttons, whatever that may mean.

Update 2

Oh dear this is all getting out of hand. Whereas I would perhaps get one or two Emails a month from an old school friend in South Africa, I have received over 100 Emails in the past 24 hours; from all over our former colonies and England, Scotland and Wales. My dear friend Cecil Hawthorne Hyssop from the Bank has noticed my stress levels rising and has kindly invited me to accompany him on a bicycle outing. I considered this kind offer carefully but decided to decline rather than give him the wrong signals. A gentleman wrote and offered to take me for a pint of bitter in the Pig and Piccolo. Thank you Mr Arter but you give away your class with your suggestion that I would drink beer and your remarks about my ample bosom are ungentlemanly. An Antipodean gentleman jokingly suggested that he might sue because of the pain and suffering of a stitch due to laughing. The Great Cockup Census Online is a serious business Mr Downunder and nobody is laughing here.

The High spot of the past two days has been that one of the many E mails has been from a lost cousin in the Industrial North. She does sound remarkably educated for someone from that part of England and although she originated from a good bloodline on her father's side she is the granddaughter of a fallen parlourmaid. We have yet to meet and whatever her background I am excited at the thought of having a new cousin to correspond with. You can read our correspondence on my Toadblower Saga page.

Mr Davis is being a bit of a nuisance with the Qinuseless Team. Zak, who today is wearing a T shirt with a Miss Marylin Manson on the front, has threatened to hit him- the first time I have heard Zak speak a whole sentence. Yasmin very diplomatically suggested to Mr Davis that his skills would be invaluable in creating a Cockup.com page using local business advertisers to raise money for bringing our 1901 Census online. We already have a coffee morning planned in the Parish Hall next weekend and it is good to see the village keeping up with the current national obsession with sponsorship and public private partnerships. Mr Davis said that he would only agree if his URL could be linked to the Library pages and tempers flared again when Craig was heard to mutter that it would be over his dead body. Yasmin and I calmed things down and it was agreed. I am beginning to like this young lady and may invite her for tea and muffins. Mr Davis has set off with his clip board and we all have high expectations.

Update 3

Yasmin has been to tea this afternoon and we really have been getting on like a house on fire. She said that she was worried about my mental state and I had to agree that I am very stressed by all this. Fortunately I have found a solution.

Yesterday afternoon I had tea at the Manse with Felicity Fairfax-Widdowson who you may remember was one of the four people originally expected to use our census online. Felicity is a very dear friend and without my asking, has offered to work alongside me at the library answering some of your E mails. Being an expert on family history she is well qualified to answer some of the more esoteric questions that are coming in every hour, day and night. She is also skilled in computing and will be introducing herself to you all shortly. She is a thoroughly good sort but I have to admit to some envy at her racy lifestyle and unconventionality.

Update 4

This message arrived on Monday 4 February. It appears that some naughty people out there have been alerting the PRO to this web site. I am sorry that I have taken so long to pass on this urgent message from the Public Records Office no less. I gather that they too have been having problems with their Census Online.

Subject: Census Helpdesk ref:EMAIL65716
Date: Mon, 04 Feb 2002 16:58:05 +0000
From: support@censushelpdesk.co.uk
To: edith@staithes.demon.co.uk

Thank you for contacting the 1901 Census Helpdesk.

We have received a copy of your 'chain email', and would be suggest that you add a paragraph including up to date information as to the web site. The following information details the position as at 29/01/2002.

Unfortunately, we are unable to give you a specific date, on which you will be able to access the site from you home PC. The site is currently available at specific record offices and libraries around the country. We are opening up the lines to more record offices and libraries, and then we will gradually open up the lines to the general public. This 'soft' re-launch is to prevent a re run of the excessive demand that we experienced that the beginning of January.

Yours sincerely

Dawn
Census Helpdesk

So now you know!


Update 5

Mr Davis is really pleased with himself. This morning he came panting into the library with an uncharacteristically fat floppy disk which he calls a zip disk. Zak recognised it and soon had its contents on the computer. Zak gave a snort of derision at the look of the thing and I have to admit that it does look like the back cover of a very badly printed Parish Magazine run off on one of those ink duplicators we have in the old days. Still at least Horace gets things done and he has raised three hundred pounds for the Census Online Fund. He is so thrilled to have made use of his web page design evening class at last. Only a few local shopkeepers refused to be on the Cockup.com page, as Horace has called it. Abraham Compost in the Greengrocers said he didn't think that many people would be coming from New Zealand to buy his carrots even if they did log on, so it was a waste of money.

Anyway CLICK HERE and see what you think!

Update 6

Now we really are in trouble.

Craig has told me that Zak has told him that we cannot even get onto our own 1901 census records from this office. Apparently this is "for the next week or so", at least until 20 February. Zak says it is because he is "testing the system". Therefore my desk is not accessible to visitors during that time. Neither are the desks at Upper Cockup, Lower Cockup or Cockup St Blair. Yasmin says that they do apologise for this and says will I thank you all for your patience.

Update 7

Oh dear the stress just keeps getting worse. There is abolutely no sign of our census ever being available. People are writing. phoning and visiting with demands for CD versions DVD versions, microfiche and heaven knows what else. It's all beyond me, I'm just a librarian. Then to cap it all Zak's mother writes to say that I have upset her with comments about her son's personal hygiene. She says that it is the tom cat he has befriended in his lodgings. I know all about the cat since Zak brings the fierce little beast to work and it is a cat quite unlike my old and faithful Gerald. This has not been a good week.

A kind gentleman, a Mr Honeywell, wrote to say that he would like to mention the Great Cockup web site on his web pages, which are all about another census which is apparently also having trouble getting online. His website can be reached by clicking here.

Update 8

Craig is a very excited young man this morning. He has seen an adverisement in New Scientist for somebody called a Channel Manager to work at a company that does similar work to Qinuseless. Apparently the job pays £50K per year plus benefits and Craig thinks he knows what a Channel Manager is. He read me out some of the advertisement. It says: